The Fear To Love
by ElasticHearts
Summary: Renji Abarai has a sting in his heart as he watches the one he loves deny their feelings for each other, but could there be more to the cold captain then just denial? What is he really hiding behind that mask of his? Warning: This is a Yaoi Fanfiction, meaning a relationship between two men.


_**Desires of a broken hearted Noble**_

 _Rrrinnnnng_

A sigh escaped the lips of a red haired male as he heard the screeching sounds of the torture device known as an alarm clock, signaling the start of the day. A sword calloused hand slapped the annoying thing to the floor and the owner of that hand let out a pleased sigh hearing a crashing sound and then silence. That was the tenth alarm clock he had broken this week but some dark haired midget didn't get the message that if she kept getting him one it would keep 'malfunctioning'.

The red head got up with a small yawn. He had no choice but to get up, his duties as a fukutaichou wouldn't allow him another minutes rest until the day was over. He sighed heading towards his shower, turning it on to the appropriate temperature. Getting out of his sleeping Yukata, his jagged tattoos were on display for anyone to see if they walked in, tan skin upon rippling muscles tensed then relaxed as he tested the water.

A long content sigh escaped his lips as he stepped into the shower. He ran his hands through his hair thinking about what he had to do today. He had only 3 more hours until he had to be at the office for the next 8-10 hours. The red haired man groaned internally as he thought about this.

Renji Abarai, current fukutaichou of the 6 division absolutely _hated_ going into the office. The primary reason for it, the stacks of paper work he knew would be waiting for him on his desk first thing in the morning. He loathed it, despised it, and it mocked him every time he came into contact with it. He would shred it to little tiny pieces, if it weren't for the second reason he hated going into the office.

His Taichou, Byakuya Kuchiki, a stone of a man wouldn't allow such behavior. The ice king, considering Hitsugaya Taichou was the prince, was always scolding Renji for not doing his work completely or properly. He almost never showed emotion, unless it was irritation, but it would go away just as it came. Renji always felt that his Taichou was excessively cold towards him, but he didn't know why. He barely acknowledges Renji's presence only when he was doing something wrong and never praised him when he was doing something right.

It irked Renji to no end. He used to think his Taichou was selfish, cold hearted, arrogant and silent. Actually, a few of those he still did believe because it was true. Renji couldn't handle the awkward silence that flooded their work space. He dreaded when Byakuya would silence him with his intense stare of ' you have 2 seconds to stop complaining or you and Senbonzakura are going to get reaquainted' or ' you're an absolute fool how do you even manage to tie your obi correctly'. It really offended the red head.

But Renji couldn't deny it, he was in love with his captain, but the things the cold male did to him made him despise Byakuya. Even so, the love was much stronger than the hate. Every time he saw the noble, his heart nearly leapt out of his chest. Renji loved everything about him down to the last strand of hair. He could barely keep himself from drooling at the sight of him.

After the war and after that bastard Aizen was defeated, captain Kuchiki had let his hair grow substantially. It now reached his lower back but he kept it in a high ponytail. Even then it reached the middle of his back. Suprisingly the Kenseikan he wore managed to cooperate with the new style. His skin, so porcelain and white made the shorter male look delicate and fragile. His cold steel gray eyes with long lashes attached were the only way to see any sign of emotion from him. For some reason he always felt saddened by them. Sometimes he could swear he saw pain and hate in them but it was only for a split second.

His long slender fingers were so graceful in their movements, it was hard to look away. Renji often had to give himself a mental slap for thinking dirty images of what those hands could be holding instead of a brush and a sword. Byakuya was lean but you could barely tell because of the shinigami robes.

Renji groaned knowing what he would find under those robes. Shaking his head of his thoughts, he stepped out of the shower turning it off. He grabbed a pure white towel and dried his hair before putting one around his waist as he walked back into the confines of his bedroom still thinking about his lover; well he considered them to be.

Renji and Byakuya had confessed there love to each other nearly a month ago. That night was the most passionate and sexiest night of his life. He always caught himself thinking about it but after that night, the stoic male acted as if none of it ever happened. He simply said ' I don't know what you're talking about Abarai, cease your babbling and get to work'. Renji came to realize that he hated his captain because even though Byakuya loved him, he always ignored his heart and wouldn't allow himself to love or be loved again.

It tore Renji's heart in two, how could he act like they hadn't spent that night together? He shouldn't really be surprised, his captain was always cold but he had really gone too far. He refused to have those barriers build back up between him and the noble. He and Byakuya hadn't really been speaking to each other sinse then, the uncomfortable silence got more uncomfortable by the day. His captain had grown distant and was acting weird. He was more silent then usual and seemed to be a little too focused.

He remembered a few days ago when he saw the raven haired male looking distressed and like he hadn't slept in weeks. His heart clenched at the sight. What was wrong with him? Was he sick? Renji snorted at that, Byakuya Kuchiki never got sick. Was he over working himself? Wasn't that the understatement of the year, Byakuya worked nonstop unless he had to attend a meeting, but in Renji's eyes, it was still work. But even then he seemed fine. So what was it?

Renji did his best to try and help but the noble would only allow so much from him. He barely looked him in the eyes anymore. These things made Renji dread the weekdays. He wouldn't hate going into the office if Byakuya wouldn't keep running from the truth and acting so different towards him. He hated that he couldn't say what he wanted to, for fear of what he might say and or do.

The fukutaichou put his hair into a high pony tail and put on his boxers and Shinigami robes. Everything seemed so automatic to him since it was the same routine, sometimes changed by Ikkaku, Rangiku or Yumichika if they decided to bother him early in the morning. There was no sign of them yet but it was always a chance that one of them came crashing through the walls. It happened before when Ikkaku was drunk as hell and tried to use kido. Good times his ass.

Renji smiled shaking his head at his friends; they always knew how to liven up the day. Whenever Renji was down, a few bottles of Sake later and having his friends to entertain him he was like a new man. He seriously thought they needed to stop drinking so much but that wouldn't happen unless it suddenly became extinct. He himself had cut down his alcohol intake, mostly because Byakuya would get annoyed if he came to work with a hangover.

Renji walked out of his home and made his way to the 6th division barracks. A smile was plastered on his face as he looked up at the bright and welcoming sun. He greeted a few people on his way and his mind wondered to the night he and Byakuya had shared. Even though Byakuya wouldn't admit what they had done and told Renji to forget about it, Renji would have it forever embedded in his mind and his heart.

 _It was the middle of the night and Renji was walking through one of Soul Society's beautiful forests out of pure boredom. Cherry blossom petals fell from their trees, fluttering around him. The cool air of the night was relaxing as he continued to smile looking up at the beautiful night sky. The moon shone brightly beside the stars, making them even more extraordinary. The wind brushed passed his face and through his hair as he kept walking. He suddenly stopped feeling a familiar reiatsu nearby._

 _"What's captain doing out in the middle of the night?" he wondered. He couldn't really talk however; he was strolling around tonight as well._

 _A few whooshes of air and a clang of a sword could be heard from the distance. He started to walk again and as he got closer, the sounds grew louder causing him to feel anxious. Who was Byakuya fighting?_

 _He saw a figure sitting under a sakura tree, leaning against it, their sword clutched tightly next to them._ _He recognized the person as a long dark haired male. He was wearing a light blue and white yukata, his knees were brought up to his chest and the arm that wasnt holding the sword was wrapped around them. His hair was in a high ponytail that traveled down his back and his head was lowered and he was panting hard._

 _Renji also saw that a few trees and a bit of the ground were in ruins. A few sakura petals from the man's blade floated around him as he regained his breathing. He knew that person anywhere it was indeed his beloved captain .Byakuya's shoulders were shaking and his jaw was clenched. The red head paused in his steps._

 _"Hey!" Renji called a few feet from the distressed male._

 _The noble visually stiffened and raised his head turning to face Renji whose eyes widened._

 _"B-Byakuya?" he questioned. He wasn't certain he was seeing the right person; he knew it was Byakuya but then again he looked so...different. The Byakuya he knew didn't show any emotion, and he always had a mask of pure indifference. But this Byakuya had so much pain in his eyes that Renji couldn't look away. Byakuya looked hurt, as if he were longing for something and it was making him miserable because he couldn't grasp it._

 _"Renji…" came the smooth voice of his captain, but it didn't sound the same. You could clearly hear that he was hurting as he struggled trying to keep his voice intact. He didn't seem to care about formalities at the moment, which was another bad sign._

 _Renji went closer and sat next to his captain that kept his gaze on him. His eyes were slightly dull but shiny as if tears were threatening to fall but the stoic man blinked them away. He looked paler than usual and his shoulders still shook but not as much as before. He was trying to build up his barriers again now that he had been caught._

 _"Why are you upset Byakuya?" Renji asked. He had never seen his captain so distressed, even in his dreams. Yes, Renji Abarai has had many dreams about the man he loved, who doesn't?_

 _His captain looked back at his knees, unconsciously clutching his chest where his heart was. "I'm not upset" he said lowly._

 _Renji frowned "Don't lie to me, you wouldn't be like this if you weren't"_

 _Without thinking, Renji wiped a blossom that had settled Byakuya's cheek who blinked in some surprise and reverted his eyes back to him._

 _Byakuya's eyes lowered "I suppose…, I'm just lonely Renji. When my wife Hisana died, I just felt completely empty. I still feel this way because I'm not allowed to love. I can't have that person at my side, to love me for who I am, this person, is out of reach, and I don't know if they feel the same. My clan wouldn't let me love them anyway, even if they did feel the same. It hurts, and my heart can't take anymore" He said lowly._

 _It clicked that he wasn't talking about his deceased wife anymore; Byakuya had found someone else that he seemed to really be in love with. "And who might that be Byakuya?" Renji asked curiously._

 _Byakuya blushed slightly looking away from him "You wouldn't want to know that Renji"_

 _Renji smirked. "I would as a matter of fact" he really wanted to know._

 _Byakuya swallowed, maybe he should tell him, now is a better time than him finding out much later. But still, he was nervous about what he would say. Would he look down on him? Would he think he was weak and pathetic?_

 _"It's Someone very close to me,"Byakuya hesitated. Renji smirked_

" _It's ok, you can tell me, I'm not one to judge" The noble looked away from him but nodded._

" _Its someone that's by my side at this very moment" He inhaled slowly. " I-its...it's you...R-Renji". Byakuya's voice was low, but the red head could hear him loud and clear._

 _Renji's eyes widened, he sure as hell wasn't expecting that, he had been hoping but then again he wasnt really expecting for his hopes to become reality so he didn't really know how to react. Byakuya got tense, seeming to have expected rejection. Renji took Byakuya's face into his hands and turned it towards him. However, Byakuya refused to look at him._

 _Renji moved forward so that their lips were only a few inches apart, the warmth of his breath tickled the noble's skin. "Byakuya, please, looks at me" Renji said softly._

 _Byakuya hesitated but his eyes moved to renjis wearily. At that moment Renji brushed his lips against Byakuya's sending shocks of pleasure to the man and getting a startled gasp in return. He took that opportunity to deliver a drugging kiss to the raven haired male. It was gentle, almost testing to see if the male would respond. Byakuya's eyes were comically wide, but as the kiss deepened they fluttered closed. The blush was apparent across his cheeks but he could care less. His hands shakily tangled themselves in Renji's soft red hair._

 _Renji's tongue brushed lightly over Byakuya's lips who gasped in surprise. Reni took the moment to plunge his tongue within Byakuya's mouth causing a low moan to erupt from the noble. It sent shivers down Renji's spine as he explored Byakuya's mouth. It tasted of green tea and peppermint. Renji groaned at the taste and moved one of his hands that were cupping byakuya's cheek to the back of his head bringing him in closer._

 _Even though the kiss was gentle, it was also deep and needy. They molded together in it, not wanting to end it but the need for air was too much. Renji was the one who broke it and panted looking at Byakuya._

 _His steel gray eyes were heavy lidded and an even dark blush dusted across his cheeks. His chest moved up and down steadily as he regained his breathing and his lips were a bit swollen and red. He tried to keep his stoic expression despite his disheveled look and it almost worked._

 _In all Byakuya looked beautiful, his pale skin grew some color after their heated kiss. A few strands of his hair moved across his face in the light breeze._

 _Renji brushed them aside and his hand traveled to the tie in byakuya's hair. With a small tug, Byakuya's long raven locks flowed past his shoulders and down to the middle of his back. His stoic masked slowly started to fade as he felt his hair cascade over him. His features started to appear shocked and as if he wanted to hide away again._

 _"R-Renji...Mhmph"_

 _Renji silence him by kissing him again, this time it was more passionate and sure. His arms wrapped securely around Byakuya's waist and pulled him onto his lap causing the older man to gasp._

 _The cute, blushing noble looked at Renji who's heated gazed made him shiver._

 _"Renji, Wh- Ah…" Renji attacked Byakuyas neck, nibbling on a sensitive spot and sucking hard. The noble's hands flew to Renji's shoulders for balance._

 _"Aaaah, R-Renji, Aah…" Byakuya failed trying to make a coherent sentence as the redhead continued to assault his neck that had a few red marks. Reni nuzzled it before raising his head to look at the flustered raven currently sitting on his lap. His quiet moans that he was trying to hold back were finally ceased as he stared back at the red head._

 _"You don't have to be alone anymore Byakuya, you dont have to suffer, let me take the pain away" he said with a sincere smile. His eyes, loving and silently begging Byakuya to accept him._

 _Byakuya swallowed hard. "Renji i-i think th- Aahh Renji!" Renji silenced him again by wrapping his long fingers around Byakuya's semi hard erection through his hakama. "Don't think, just feel"_

 _While Byakuya's was distracted, Renji laid the raven haired male down on the ground with care. Said male moaned as he felt Renji's hard erection ground against his through their clothing._

" _ah!"_

 _Renji parted Byakuya's kimono, his large hands gliding over the smooth white skin of his chest. He moaned as one of renji's fingers circled a pink nipple, his teeth nipping his lovers neck as he moaned beneath him. Byakuya's hands came up to Renji's chest as he tried to push him away as his fingers pinched the nub._

 _Renji then caught his wrists and moved them above his superiors head causing Byakuya's eyes to widen._

 _"R-Renji w-we can't. m-my cl-" Byakuya's gasped when the red head put a finger over his lips._

 _"Hush Byakuya, don't try to resist." Renji kissed his forehead with a small smile. "Accept this feeling captain , accept us…..". Renji removed his finger kissing Byakuya. His hands fully removed the kimono and his hands glided over his skin. He runs his hands up and down Byakuya's lean body loving the feel of Byakuya trembling under him. His skin was so smooth like silk and the lean muscles tensed then relaxed under his touch. As they shared their night of passion all insecurities, all thoughts of consequences floated through the wind with their cries of pleasure._

Renji was so caught up in the replay he didn't even notice he was at the office but discovered it when he almost smacked straight into the door. He sighed shaking his hand and reached for the door but a small sound made him pause. It sounded like a whimper. He raised an eyebrow and listened carefully. The sound came again soon along with a few sniffles. With a sad and curious expression renji opened the door slowly and was shocked at what he saw.

"C-Captain?" he whispered.


End file.
